What the fuck do you want me to do about support?
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What the fuck do you want me to do about it?WAAH WAAH WAAH!

or My computer runs slow what can I do?

Ok your computer was nice and FAST when you got it and now its slow.  WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT?  Well I'm going to do NOTHING.  You on the other hand are going to do one of two things.  Either turn off your computer for a few days and spend time surfing the web on your HP Calculator or listen up.  

Hardware Help

  • GET A NEW COMPUTER!  DUH!!!  I got mine from ABS and it's STILL working for about 3 YEARS now.  It even out performs some newer 'faster' computers.  But then again I followed my own advice below. 
  • Add memory, Add memory, Add memory YES this helps.  I would say get at LEAST 128MB if not more.  And don't buy it off the back of a truck PLEASE.   Its a cheap and easy way to boost performance.  Check out Kingston  They've been around for over 10 years.  (I remember when they sold 1 MB of memory for about $200)
  • Hard drives - Get faster hard drives.  YES this works... although you end up having to move stuff around to the new drive and you might loose something it HELPS.  Dirt Cheap Drives is a good place pricewise and they give quality too.
  • If you're not using it DISCONNECT it!  If you've got 2 camera, 4 printers and a modem hooked to your computer disconnect the stuff when you're not using it.  It helps slightly. 

Hard drives

  • Delete unnecessary files - There's a little tool called Disk cleanup you can use (Comes with many flavors of Windows) and it will help you get rid of stuff or you can do it like I do.    Shutdown all your running programs and then delete all the files in your temp directory.  (C:\temp or C:\Documents and Settings\sumptin\Local Settings\Temp or C:\windows\temp OH fuck it if you can't find it just use Disk Clean up) 
  • Scandisk or chkdsk -These fix little probems with your hard drive.  NO they will not fix it if you've spilled your Pina Colada on it but they keep the drives nice and shiny.  (What you never noticed HOW insensitive!)
  • DEFRAG your Hard drive  - Windows has a defrag program and it works.  YES IT TAKES TIME.  Go watch some movie or sumptin'.  Make sure you're not running any programs or it will take longer.  If you REALLY want the better defrag check out O&O Defrag.   
  • DON'T compress unless you NTFS - you know that tool that gives you more space in Windows 95, 98 and ME?  Yeah you know it.  DON'T use it.  Hard drives are CHEAP the performance hit that that tool gives you is COSTLY!.  If you use NT, 2k or XP then convert your drives to NTFS if you want the compression.  Added bonus is you get REAL security on your drive.  
  • Partition Effectively - You just got a spanking new 120GB drive.  DON'T use the whole thing as 1 drive.  Partition it up.  This will let Scandisk, Defrag and other tools run a LOT faster.  For those using Windows 2k or XP you can Mount the drives within the file system of another drive (Drive D would be accessed by going to C:\my documents\drive_d instead of d:\)  Yes its confusing and but it works.   Maybe I'll put a tutorial about how to do this.

Startup

  • Start menu items - You know your start menu has a Startup item?  Get rid of as many programs as you can.  You don't need Comet Cursor OK?  
  • Registry Run - Old Windows 3.1 had a win.ini file with a run entry in it the windows registry has the SAME thing.  Its at HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\Run and HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\run Backup these entries and then delete the items in them.  What? you don't know how.  You edit your registry.  DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!  YOU CAN TOTALLY FUCK UP YOUR COMPUTER IF YOU SCREW THIS UP.  So for a lot of you just avoid this and check the programs that start up and see if you can disable the start with windows feature.    
  • Autoexec.bat and Config.sys - These things still hang around win98 machines.  Remove what you can.  But you still can screw up your computer. 

Running programs

  • Run what you need - Don't run EVERY program you have on your computer at once.  If you like the office tool bar why not use the Explorer toolbar.  Does pretty much the same thing but isn't a separate program.  Most of the people I've showed go "Oh WOW I didn't know you could do that hell take off that Office Toolbar!"

Video Performance

  • Update Drivers - Get the latest and greatest for your card!
  • Reasonable Resolution and refresh rates - Just because you CAN run at 2048 x 1024 32 bit color doesn't mean you should.  This is a performance hit no matter if you have a video card with 128MB of memory or not.  If you really like things tiny on your screen trade up to a 14 inch monitor.

Well that's all for Now.  I'll update this when I get a chance.  

Disclaimer: If you use these tips and you screw up your system which you CAN do, if you get bad support, or just have issues, just remember where you go it from.... http://www.whatthefuckdoyouwantmetodoaboutit.com